It's one of those nights to one of those days. Insomnia has taken over. My thought processes scattered, littering the beautiful green grass that helps my feet find solid ground. And yet I feel as though I'm drowning, or choking, unable to find air to fill my lungs. I know it's there, I just can't seem to come into contact with it.
I guess, it started a few days ago. Day and night has been blending causing me to lose count. I've been depressed for about two weeks, but it didn't show it's ugly head until a few days ago. One sentence was all it took.
"We aren't going to celebrate her birthday are we?" Bryan asked me.
"Whose?" I asked. We were in the middle of discussing our future childrens birthday.
"Maddie's"
"No, we don't have to."
A few day later, this sentence forms: My daughter is dead.
My daughter is dead.
My daughter is dead.
My daughter is dead. Even typing it feels weird. I realize it hasn't been a year and half since everything happened. But still. I never thought I would be thinking such a sentence or typing such a sentence. And I don't expect anyone to understand the gravity of that sentence. It's been nearly 17 months and my brain cannot process this thought. It's an anomally in my psyche.
My daughter is dead. I miss her. I see little girls roughly her age and I wonder what she would have been like at that age. I wonder who she would look like or would she be a perfect blend of me and Bryan. What color her hair would be. Her eyes. Would she have those beautiful pouty lips the Thompson's have? Would she have the same gorgeous dimples that melt my heart like her father? What would the sound of her laugh be? Would it be this infectious laughter? Would she be cautious like her mother or bold and daring like her father? These are things I think of now. Will these questions ever stop, I have no clue.
I do want to do something on her birthday every year. Something small, unnoticable yet meaningful to me. I originally wanted to get a small M tattooed on my inner upper arm but this diabetic skin of mine proves impossible to heal correctly. Maybe one day. But until then....I'll light a candle and keep it lit until it burns out. Every year. Until I die.
I look at my life and wonder how I got here. How I got to this place, to this exact moment in time. Sometimes I think tragedy is in my blood. I am a child that has lost thier parent and a parent that has lost thier child.
