Forward: The next few posts will be about my dreams and my eventual journey back to reality. Each dream makes no sense but, I will try to psychoanalyze how my mind coped with what my body was going through while in a coma. I've thought long and hard on the dreams trying to find words to describe each of them.
Dream 1:
One day it's November 2011 and when I wake up I'm pregnant in the hospital. From the looks of it, I'm roughly around 8 months. My sister-in-law, Heather is my room pacing and venting about how the doctor should be here by now.
"Where is he? They have go straight to the hospital after an appointment and he takes his time getting here?!? When I was having the twins, they immediately started to prep me."
Bryan attempts to calm her.
Finally my OB comes in and announces that he and his nurse is going to take me to another room to deliver the baby. As I'm being transported, somthing goes horribly wrong, blood is everywhere. When he finally cuts me open, the baby is dead.
"This is so sad," his nurse says helping him get the baby out.
"I know. So close. If this had not have happened, she would have been a perfect candidate for fertility drugs," he replies.
"Do you think she'll be able to get pregnant naturally after this?"
"One never knows. It's possible but fertility treatments would definately help her odds. But since she can't carry full term, we can't recommend it as an option."
I close my eyes and fall asleep. When I wake up I'm in a different hospital room. It's a different day, a different month, a different year. My OB walks into the room smiling.
"Michelle, it was a success. You are pregnant with twins."
I smile at him and when my nurse walks in I tell her I'm pregnant. I fall sleep and when I wake up, my mum is there.
"I'm pregnant Mom."
"Really? That's so wonderful."
She pulls outher cell phone and starts dialing a number, "I'm going to call your uncle to tell him the good news."
I close my eyes and when I wake up, I'm in a different room. Today is the day I'm supposed to deliver the twins. Bryan is sitting in a chair next to me holding my hand looking excited. Flowers and cards fill the room saying good luck. The nurse comes in to prep me and I fall back asleep. When I wake up, Bryan is sitting in the chair looking away from me. I call his name and he refuses to look at me. I look to the left and see cloth stained with blood. Bryan gets up and leaves the room. All I feel is depression and anger exuding from his body. I know he's mad at me, I know he's going to leave me and I can't blame him. His wife can't carry a child to full term, why should he stay with her? Deep down inside, I know as he walks away from me that it'll be the last time I see him. As he leaves, Mum walks in. A few minutes later a nurse comes in.
"How are my babies?" I ask.
"Oh, Michelle, they didn't make it. The doctor checked you and said that you can leave whenever you're ready," she tells me.
"Fuck that shit."
I attempt to get out of bed and Mum holds me down.
"Michelle, wait," she says restraining me, "just wait."
"No, she told me I could leave so let's leave."
"Why don't you stay an extra night, make sure you are completely okay."
"Fuck that shit."
I lay back down because I'm tired of fighting the grip she has on me an fall back to sleep.
Psychoanalysis:
I distinctly remember thinking in the middle of this dream that it had to be a dream. I couldn't figure out how on earth 8 months went by without me remembering a thing. How could I not remember being pregnant? Everytime I tried to think of the last thing I remembered it came back to black friday, blockbuster, twin peaks, and work. The last thing I remember is November, but here we are 8 months in the future somehow. And then to all of a sudden be pregnant with twins! More like wishful thinking. Nothing made sense. The timeline was off and I knew it.
When they put me in ICU, Byan and Mum immediately recognized the room. It was the same room I woke up in last time when I DKAed with Maddie. There fear was that I would have flashbacks. In a way, I guess I did. Bryan told me later that for a whole day I tried to convince him I was pregnant. He always told me that if I was, he would definately know about it from all the test they ran on me. The one phrase I kept saying before I was able to actually string thoughts into spoken word was, "Fuck that shit." It must have come from the dream. Mum told me that was the only thing I would say and that's when they started doing CT scans to check my brain activity. Although none of it was real, it felt real. One of my biggest fears is that Bryan will leave me because I can't carry our children full term. Although he and I have discussed at length that it is okay I can't have kids, I still worry about it. We don't even know if I can get pregnant again, and the last thing I want to deny us is kids of our own. Of course we know we can do a surragote and adoption is always an option. But honestly, I want to be able to carry my own children. Sometimes I feel like I lost part of my womanhood when we lost Maddie and that I will not feel whole until I have another kid. I realize this how most childless parents feel and it's perfectly normal. But there's a hole in my life, a void, that I want to fill.
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