The frustration of this disease

I'm not normal. I know that already. I have to eat at certain times, I have to sleep at certain times, everything is a routine that I must be dedicated to and adamant about.

I have high blood pressue so I must take high blood pressure pills. Why? Because high blood pressure puts stress on my kidneys. This can lead to kidney failure and the resumification (yes, I just made up that word) of the evilness known as dialysis. I've already had kidney failure twice, I don't think they can handle much more. And I definately do not ever want to be on dialysis again.

But then I find out that there's a new thing, a new development that I have to watch out for which will cause even more dietary restrictions and create a more strict diet : cholesterol. Dum dum dum. It's deadly, extremely deadly. Maybe even more deadly that diabetes. Why is this new development in my life extremely important? Because it turns out injecting insulin causes the arteries to harden. Cholesterol causes plaque build up. Put the two together and I'm a ticking bomb waiting to happen. Add high blood pressure and I'm pretty sure I'm guaranteed a heart attack. To make matters worse, most diabetics die of cardiac related complications. This is what I get to look foward to, contemplating what my ultimate demise will be. Heart attack or DKA. Which one tickles my fancy?

I don't have high cholesterol. Unfortunately, I'm not normal. I have diabetes. And because I have diabetes, my cholesterol must be lower. Bring on the cholesterol meds. Except for one minor problem, I don't want to take cholesterol meds. I know how to bring it down - avocados, garlic. Hell, I've been eating honey nut cherrios for the past two weeks for breakfast.

I really hate this disease. This disease sucks and is evil. I can't think of a disease that's worse than this. No, I was wrong, end stage renal failure is worse. But the fact that I can get end stage renal failure because I have diabetes nulls and voids that. Diabetes, the disease that keeps on ruining one's life. Actually, let me be more detailed, Type 1 Diabetes, the disease that keeps on giving. I just want to slam my head against a wall. Well, that and turn my head up to the sky and scream at the top of my lungs, "What have I done to deserve this?!!?!" And then I remind myself, it could be worse. I could have diabetes and cancer. Or I could be dead. Although, technically if I was dead, I wouldn't have diabetes anymore. Despite this welcoming thought, I still pick life over death. I have so much more to accomplish, so much more to see, and I have this amazing man that I'm a wee bit attached too.

The truth is, I'm not ready to give up my life with Bryan. As sappy as this sounds, love keeps me going.