I'm in the grocery store the other day just taking my time going up and down the aisle. it's like a crazy relaxation meditation technique I've been using since I was 9. Don't ask me why or how, but grocery stores soothe me. All the pent up anger just melts away.
So I'm walking down the chips and sparkling water aisle when I notice this new beverage on display. It's carb free and sugar free. But is it aspertame free? My body hate aspertame, all I need is a little and my blood sugar goes sky high for hours. Which means, I have to read the nurtition labels and ingredients to EVERYTHING. Some people look at fat content, others a carbs, I look at carbs, sugar, and what sort of sweetner they use. I don't even go near anything that has splenda in fear of what it could potentially do to me. The only reason why I know aspertame is bad for me is because when i was first diagnosed I started drinking Crystal Light and ate sugar free jello. My blood sugar was always high and I did not understand how it could be so high if I was eating and drinking sugarfree things. And then I cut Crystal Light and Jello out of my life and all of a sudden my blood sugar went from the 500's to the 200's. So anything with aspertame is a no go. No more sugarfree jello, or Crystal Light, or gum. Did you know aspertame is in every single version of gum out there. So frustrating.
I look at the contents and see no aspertame. Immediately I get excited. No aspertame, no splenda, this might actually work. AND there are yummy flavors like lemonade and strawberry lemonade. Needless to say I'm quite happy and take two bottles home. When I get home, I'm just itching to tear into them but I decide to let them chill for a bit. Afterall, lemonade is the best cold.
Yesterday I opened one, poured it, put it to my lips and realized I made a horrible mistake. It tastes like chemicals. Like rancid car battery acid. And then my stomach goes all blargh causing me to go to the bathroom constantly. I really hate when my stomach does this and the only remedy is to shoot more insulin into my body. This is not good. So I had to dump the rest of one and all of the other bottle out. Cascade Ice....you are not friendly at all.
So frustrating.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Must repeat to myself that I size 4/5 is not fat
So I've gained a bit a weight. Finally added meat to my bare bones. Everyones proud of me and my pouchy stomach. But my size 4 jeans are getting small and I'm having problems dealing with it. On top of that, my boobs are getting fuller meaning I'm growing boobs. Boob growth hurts. I forgot how much growing boobs hurt, or maybe I just don't remember going through this when I was 9.
This is good and I know it. But I'm a female and all women have weight gain issues. I just have to remind myself of the goal. I'm putting on weight to make babies. BABIES! And that's how Bryan and I look at it. Once I have the baby I can go back to that crazy skinny figure we had gotten used to. Luckily he loves this figure too. And to be quite honest, I missed my old body. However with the reimergence of this body comes the potential of old thoughts resurfacing. Bad old thoughts that could bring back an eating disorder. They say once you have an eating disorder, it never truely goes away. I agree, it waits lurking in the darkness for you to put your guard down or submit to an insecurity. Then it strikes and boom what you fought long and hard to pass comes back.
This is why repeat to myself that a size 4/5 is not fat. A) it really isn't fat, B) I'm insecure about my body and know I always will be. Whether I'm down to 104.6 or up to 135, I will have a problem with my weight, C) Women exercise a shit ton to get this body, D) I'm starting to look really healthy and not sort of healthy. This is a good thing and it's only to get to one point of my life. After I achieve my goal and can got back down to whatever weight I feel comfortable. My new magic number is 115.
I've come a long way up from that rabbit hole.
This is good and I know it. But I'm a female and all women have weight gain issues. I just have to remind myself of the goal. I'm putting on weight to make babies. BABIES! And that's how Bryan and I look at it. Once I have the baby I can go back to that crazy skinny figure we had gotten used to. Luckily he loves this figure too. And to be quite honest, I missed my old body. However with the reimergence of this body comes the potential of old thoughts resurfacing. Bad old thoughts that could bring back an eating disorder. They say once you have an eating disorder, it never truely goes away. I agree, it waits lurking in the darkness for you to put your guard down or submit to an insecurity. Then it strikes and boom what you fought long and hard to pass comes back.
This is why repeat to myself that a size 4/5 is not fat. A) it really isn't fat, B) I'm insecure about my body and know I always will be. Whether I'm down to 104.6 or up to 135, I will have a problem with my weight, C) Women exercise a shit ton to get this body, D) I'm starting to look really healthy and not sort of healthy. This is a good thing and it's only to get to one point of my life. After I achieve my goal and can got back down to whatever weight I feel comfortable. My new magic number is 115.
I've come a long way up from that rabbit hole.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
New Job, New Diabetic Problems
When I was a massage therapist, well with my last job, well when I came back from recovery, I didn't really have a set schedule.
Schedules are major for type 1's. They are pretty strict, one wrong time or not the right carb count can potentially end in disaster. We found out with the human replicated insulin my blood sugar likes to be low around lunch time and then bottoms out around 2PM if I don't eat anything. With hunger comes an angry Michelle that uses lots of profanity. It's not pretty.
When I worked at massage envy, I had a semi set schedule complete with a break that would allow me to shoot up and eat or have a snack. Problem was, I never really adhere to this schedule because the bovine replicated insulin had a little leeway. It was easy, I ate and shot up. Which is probably why I was really bad with that set up. With the spa I previously worked at I was on call all the time so my schedule was always off. I tried to make sure no one interrupted my lunch time but without fail, something would happen and I would find myself trapped in a room with a client feeling the low blood sugar takes it toll. It's hard to massage when your body hates you and you have trouble focusing.
I started a new job friday. A normal full time - 9 to 5 job. Which means more stability for my schedule 5 days a week. But I've noticed something, my blood sugar goes low around 11:30AM. It's been ranging from 45 - 78. 78 is okay, 45 is not. I've already told my boss my body's warning signs of low blood sugar so he knows what to look for. I've been eating scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast which to me is a lot of food. For lunch I've been doing spinach salads with a shit ton of vegetables, hard boiled egg, croutons, turkey/ham, and cheese. Like crazy healthy. Almost as healthy as my health food freak days. However, because of the nature of being a receptionist, my body has changed a few of it's warning mechanisms. It's taken me about 3 days to figure out what my body is doing to me and at what stage what symptom pops up. Dizziness is still common denominator. As is not feeling good. Not feeling good is such a vague description to what a really feel. I usually feel really off and I don't know how to get back to normal. There is no panic associated with this feeling because I know it's temporary. It's merely frustrating. Blurry focus (I know what you're thinking, it's part of being dizzy. No it is not. Totally different) when I look at the computer screen is new. Minor headache is new. Forgetfulness is new. Actually, forgetfulness pissed the crap out of me. I feel like it makes me look incompetent and fear of being fired sets in. I know he won't, I am way more smarter than the girl before me. The blurry vision and forgetfulness is going to bite me in the ass somehow, I can feel it. Needless to say, I snack on cookies around lunch time and sip on Dr. Pepper. I only have about 8 ounces of the DP from the 2 liter bottle I brought in. Sure I could drink one of the cans from the 12 pack he brings in, but I'm trying really hard not to go overboard. I'm a coke addict, and it's not the horrible deadly overdose kind. Caffiene is my drug of choice, it's my demise, slow active poison. But combined with the cookies and salad, it brings my blood sugar to where it needs to be by dinner time.
I realize I should probably not be eating a salad for lunch, but I thought the carbs from the greek dressing and the croutons would be enough. I could be wrong. I know I was definately wrong with the scrambled eggs on toast thing. I'll have to add more breakfast food or succumb to childrens sugary cereal. MMMM fruit loops with mashmellows. NOMNOMNOM....Or I could mess with my dose and lower it. But I have a feeling that my Endo will definately slap my hand and say, "Bad Michelle." Choices choices. I like this feeling. Sort of makes me feel normal. Hopefully this will bring my A1c down. I've found a job, I'll be in the house before long. Good things will come from this.
Schedules are major for type 1's. They are pretty strict, one wrong time or not the right carb count can potentially end in disaster. We found out with the human replicated insulin my blood sugar likes to be low around lunch time and then bottoms out around 2PM if I don't eat anything. With hunger comes an angry Michelle that uses lots of profanity. It's not pretty.
When I worked at massage envy, I had a semi set schedule complete with a break that would allow me to shoot up and eat or have a snack. Problem was, I never really adhere to this schedule because the bovine replicated insulin had a little leeway. It was easy, I ate and shot up. Which is probably why I was really bad with that set up. With the spa I previously worked at I was on call all the time so my schedule was always off. I tried to make sure no one interrupted my lunch time but without fail, something would happen and I would find myself trapped in a room with a client feeling the low blood sugar takes it toll. It's hard to massage when your body hates you and you have trouble focusing.
I started a new job friday. A normal full time - 9 to 5 job. Which means more stability for my schedule 5 days a week. But I've noticed something, my blood sugar goes low around 11:30AM. It's been ranging from 45 - 78. 78 is okay, 45 is not. I've already told my boss my body's warning signs of low blood sugar so he knows what to look for. I've been eating scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast which to me is a lot of food. For lunch I've been doing spinach salads with a shit ton of vegetables, hard boiled egg, croutons, turkey/ham, and cheese. Like crazy healthy. Almost as healthy as my health food freak days. However, because of the nature of being a receptionist, my body has changed a few of it's warning mechanisms. It's taken me about 3 days to figure out what my body is doing to me and at what stage what symptom pops up. Dizziness is still common denominator. As is not feeling good. Not feeling good is such a vague description to what a really feel. I usually feel really off and I don't know how to get back to normal. There is no panic associated with this feeling because I know it's temporary. It's merely frustrating. Blurry focus (I know what you're thinking, it's part of being dizzy. No it is not. Totally different) when I look at the computer screen is new. Minor headache is new. Forgetfulness is new. Actually, forgetfulness pissed the crap out of me. I feel like it makes me look incompetent and fear of being fired sets in. I know he won't, I am way more smarter than the girl before me. The blurry vision and forgetfulness is going to bite me in the ass somehow, I can feel it. Needless to say, I snack on cookies around lunch time and sip on Dr. Pepper. I only have about 8 ounces of the DP from the 2 liter bottle I brought in. Sure I could drink one of the cans from the 12 pack he brings in, but I'm trying really hard not to go overboard. I'm a coke addict, and it's not the horrible deadly overdose kind. Caffiene is my drug of choice, it's my demise, slow active poison. But combined with the cookies and salad, it brings my blood sugar to where it needs to be by dinner time.
I realize I should probably not be eating a salad for lunch, but I thought the carbs from the greek dressing and the croutons would be enough. I could be wrong. I know I was definately wrong with the scrambled eggs on toast thing. I'll have to add more breakfast food or succumb to childrens sugary cereal. MMMM fruit loops with mashmellows. NOMNOMNOM....Or I could mess with my dose and lower it. But I have a feeling that my Endo will definately slap my hand and say, "Bad Michelle." Choices choices. I like this feeling. Sort of makes me feel normal. Hopefully this will bring my A1c down. I've found a job, I'll be in the house before long. Good things will come from this.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Test Strips....Everywhere
Today I was running errands. You know, being a good wife.
I decide to go to Food Town for whatever reason, probably because it was the closest grocery store. I pull into a parking spot and notice little droplets starting to pound my windshield.
Rain. When I was younger (younger being 16) I loved the rain. I used to sing and dance in the rain. Now at the ripe old age of nearly 29, I hate the rain. I hate being wet. If it's raining, don't expect to get me out of the apartment. I will glad wait for it to pass. I blame that one year in Boston where it rained nonstop for 11 days straight.
The rain is more of a sprinkle so I figured I'll be alright. I open my car door, step out of the car, look down and what do I find? Test strips....everywhere. Littering the parking spot I had chosen to occupy. Accuchek. I couldn't help but smile. God's little way of reminding me I'm not alone with this infliction.
I decide to go to Food Town for whatever reason, probably because it was the closest grocery store. I pull into a parking spot and notice little droplets starting to pound my windshield.
Rain. When I was younger (younger being 16) I loved the rain. I used to sing and dance in the rain. Now at the ripe old age of nearly 29, I hate the rain. I hate being wet. If it's raining, don't expect to get me out of the apartment. I will glad wait for it to pass. I blame that one year in Boston where it rained nonstop for 11 days straight.
The rain is more of a sprinkle so I figured I'll be alright. I open my car door, step out of the car, look down and what do I find? Test strips....everywhere. Littering the parking spot I had chosen to occupy. Accuchek. I couldn't help but smile. God's little way of reminding me I'm not alone with this infliction.
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