So I've gained a bit a weight. Finally added meat to my bare bones. Everyones proud of me and my pouchy stomach. But my size 4 jeans are getting small and I'm having problems dealing with it. On top of that, my boobs are getting fuller meaning I'm growing boobs. Boob growth hurts. I forgot how much growing boobs hurt, or maybe I just don't remember going through this when I was 9.
This is good and I know it. But I'm a female and all women have weight gain issues. I just have to remind myself of the goal. I'm putting on weight to make babies. BABIES! And that's how Bryan and I look at it. Once I have the baby I can go back to that crazy skinny figure we had gotten used to. Luckily he loves this figure too. And to be quite honest, I missed my old body. However with the reimergence of this body comes the potential of old thoughts resurfacing. Bad old thoughts that could bring back an eating disorder. They say once you have an eating disorder, it never truely goes away. I agree, it waits lurking in the darkness for you to put your guard down or submit to an insecurity. Then it strikes and boom what you fought long and hard to pass comes back.
This is why repeat to myself that a size 4/5 is not fat. A) it really isn't fat, B) I'm insecure about my body and know I always will be. Whether I'm down to 104.6 or up to 135, I will have a problem with my weight, C) Women exercise a shit ton to get this body, D) I'm starting to look really healthy and not sort of healthy. This is a good thing and it's only to get to one point of my life. After I achieve my goal and can got back down to whatever weight I feel comfortable. My new magic number is 115.
I've come a long way up from that rabbit hole.
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