It's a kiloid....

Today was my Endo appointment.

Usually I take Bryan with me, but he was in Cali. He comes with me because I always forget to ask two question and he'll ask them for me. Despite going over the questions the night before over the phone, I still forgot a question.

There was good news and horrible news.

Good new- my blood pressure was 100/70! That's super duper awesome. I think it's the lowest I've had it in about 5 years which is amazing when you take into consideration that when I was 20 I was suffering from high blood pressure. And I brought it down without taking those god awful turn me into a zombie blood pressure pills. On top of that, my cholesterol came down and my good cholesterol is high. Thank you avocadoes. And to think, I didn't fill the cholesterol pill prescription or take supplements. I knew my body would go back to normal one day. Only took nearly 8 months. Oh and I was 117 with all my clothes on! Yay for being diabetic healthy (which is extra healthy in normal people terms) and gaining weight! I did not enjoy this whole being 104.6 pounds.

Horrible news -  "Your diabetes has gotten worse, it's a 9.6"
      I told him what happened. He called the flu the near deadly Puerto Rican flu. Then he warned me how this sort of illness can trigger DKA quite fast and to have a plan in place. I told him Bryan and my insane preventative measures we have now instituted. "That's a good husband you have there."

See, it would have been a good number. I'm still pissed off over this. I have to be on extra good behavior with my diabetes now to lower it to where I want it. Atleast I know at my next appointment in November, the number will definately be lower.

My endo was pretty surprised how cheerful and talkative I am. He then reminded himself that the first time he met me I was in a coma pretty much dying. "Yeah, this is pretty much how I am."

And then I asked him about the scar.

"It's a kiloid. You can go to a dermatologist and have it removed. You will have to go back after for a series of steroid shot though."

"How many of these shots are we talking about?"

"It depends. It can be one, it could be more. The purpose of the steroid is to stop the kiloid from growing back. It helps speed up the recovery process."

Interesting. It's a kiloid. It can be removed. I can be reinstated in my previous glory. I will not be a deformed person for the rest of my life with people staring at me while out in public. It has occured to me that the reason why I haven't found a new job was because of this deformity. No one wants a deformed person as the face and first impression of the company.

I'm not looking forward to this procedure. Maybe I'll wait. I still have nightmares from having the two welts on my leg lanced while I was pregnant and the OB not waiting for the numbing agent to set in when he took a scapel to me. I know it probably won't be like that but also, shots on my face. Ugh, I already use syringes 3 times a day, and I hate it when the needle goes in. I hate when I have to get labwork done. I usually look away when they stab me and whisper over and over, "Having pina coladas on the beach in Puerto Rico." until they've taken all the blood they need. But this time, it will be needles coming at my face. MY FACE! I'm going to have to close my eyes to get through it. ANd Bryan will definately have to be there for moral support. I'm fearless to a point. This and lasik is where I cross the line. And I will totally be a baby about it and I'm perfectly fine with that. Maybe I'll have it done around xmas, start the new year with my old face. There will be a yay michelle's face is back to normal party complete with a pinata that has my face with the kiloid for the guest to kill. It'll be great.

The frustration of this disease

I'm not normal. I know that already. I have to eat at certain times, I have to sleep at certain times, everything is a routine that I must be dedicated to and adamant about.

I have high blood pressue so I must take high blood pressure pills. Why? Because high blood pressure puts stress on my kidneys. This can lead to kidney failure and the resumification (yes, I just made up that word) of the evilness known as dialysis. I've already had kidney failure twice, I don't think they can handle much more. And I definately do not ever want to be on dialysis again.

But then I find out that there's a new thing, a new development that I have to watch out for which will cause even more dietary restrictions and create a more strict diet : cholesterol. Dum dum dum. It's deadly, extremely deadly. Maybe even more deadly that diabetes. Why is this new development in my life extremely important? Because it turns out injecting insulin causes the arteries to harden. Cholesterol causes plaque build up. Put the two together and I'm a ticking bomb waiting to happen. Add high blood pressure and I'm pretty sure I'm guaranteed a heart attack. To make matters worse, most diabetics die of cardiac related complications. This is what I get to look foward to, contemplating what my ultimate demise will be. Heart attack or DKA. Which one tickles my fancy?

I don't have high cholesterol. Unfortunately, I'm not normal. I have diabetes. And because I have diabetes, my cholesterol must be lower. Bring on the cholesterol meds. Except for one minor problem, I don't want to take cholesterol meds. I know how to bring it down - avocados, garlic. Hell, I've been eating honey nut cherrios for the past two weeks for breakfast.

I really hate this disease. This disease sucks and is evil. I can't think of a disease that's worse than this. No, I was wrong, end stage renal failure is worse. But the fact that I can get end stage renal failure because I have diabetes nulls and voids that. Diabetes, the disease that keeps on ruining one's life. Actually, let me be more detailed, Type 1 Diabetes, the disease that keeps on giving. I just want to slam my head against a wall. Well, that and turn my head up to the sky and scream at the top of my lungs, "What have I done to deserve this?!!?!" And then I remind myself, it could be worse. I could have diabetes and cancer. Or I could be dead. Although, technically if I was dead, I wouldn't have diabetes anymore. Despite this welcoming thought, I still pick life over death. I have so much more to accomplish, so much more to see, and I have this amazing man that I'm a wee bit attached too.

The truth is, I'm not ready to give up my life with Bryan. As sappy as this sounds, love keeps me going.