Seemingly diabetic friendly beverages that lie....

I'm in the grocery store the other day just taking my time going up and down the aisle. it's like a crazy relaxation meditation technique I've been using since I was 9. Don't ask me why or how, but grocery stores soothe me. All the pent up anger just melts away.

So I'm walking down the chips and sparkling water aisle when I notice this new beverage on display. It's carb free and sugar free. But is it aspertame free? My body hate aspertame, all I need is a little and my blood sugar goes sky high for hours. Which means, I have to read the nurtition labels and ingredients to EVERYTHING. Some people look at fat content, others a carbs, I look at carbs, sugar, and what sort of sweetner they use. I don't even go near anything that has splenda in fear of what it could potentially do to me. The only reason why I know aspertame is bad for me is because when i was first diagnosed I started drinking Crystal Light and ate sugar free jello. My blood sugar was always high and I did not understand how it could be so high if I was eating and drinking sugarfree things. And then I cut Crystal Light and Jello out of my life and all of a sudden my blood sugar went from the 500's to the 200's. So anything with aspertame is a no go. No more sugarfree jello, or Crystal Light, or gum. Did you know aspertame is in every single version of gum out there. So frustrating.

I look at the contents and see no aspertame. Immediately I get excited. No aspertame,  no splenda, this might actually work. AND there are yummy flavors like lemonade and strawberry lemonade. Needless to say I'm quite happy and take two bottles home. When I get home, I'm just itching to tear into them but I decide to let them chill for a bit. Afterall, lemonade is the best cold.

Yesterday I opened one, poured it, put it to my lips and realized I made a horrible mistake. It tastes like chemicals. Like rancid car battery acid. And then my stomach goes all blargh causing me to go to the bathroom constantly. I really hate when my stomach does this and the only remedy is to shoot more insulin into my body. This is not good. So I had to dump the rest of one and all of the other bottle out. Cascade Ice....you are not friendly at all.

So frustrating.

Everyday is a fight

A few months ago my mum told me about this girl who started rebeling with her diabetes treatment. Mum couldn't understand why someone would do that, put thier life and health at risk.

"She's tired." I told Mum.
"Tired?"
"There are days where you want it all to stop."

I'll be honest. I've rebelled quite a bit since diagnosis. It's why I've been hospitalized twice. I hate needles, but I play with them 7 times a day.

I hate pricking my finger in the morning, before lunch and dinner, and again before I sleep. I hate hearing the snap of the lancet as it pricks a tiny hole in my epidermis where I then have to squeeze out an efficient amount of blood to get a reading. Sometimes, no blood comes out and I have to find another spot. Sometimes, I don't get enough blood so I get an error reading. I hate error readings with a mad passion. Why? I have to start over. Then you have you scoop the blood up with the test strip and if you do this wrong or take too long, *boom*, another error. I do this four times a day, everyday, for the rest of my life.

Then there's the insulin shots. I hate shots. I've hated shots since I was a baby. Yet, here I am shooting up 3 times a day. Sometimes I feel like God has a warped sense of humour or loves irony a wee bit too much. I hate the insulin shots. I can't eat until I take it. I hate trying to make sure there aren't any air bubbles. I hate trying to find a new spot on my hip to inject. I hate how sometimes I hit a vein and I start bleeding. I hate when my skin is to tender and the injection site hurts. I hate how I have to plump my skin and then have a horrible divet as I try to inject myself. I hate looking for fat. I hate the tight squeeze in my skin that I feel when the insulin first comes in contact with my body. I hate that when I'm too cold my body shivers making it impossible to inject pain free. I hate when people talk to me while I'm injecting. I hate it when people are to close to me when I inject. I hate it when my huband or someone watches me while I inject. I hate it when I'm having trouble finding a spot and the next thing I know I'm sweating from the sheer antcipation of pain. I hate how my friends and family members sometimes forget I have diabetes and ask why I'm going to the bathroom before I eat. I do this three times a day, everyday, for the rest of my life.

Just those two things alone, makes me tired. There are days where I don't want to take insulin. There are days where I don't want to check my blood sugar. I just want to be normal again. And then I'm frustrated because those days of normalcy are far from over.

I hate having to watch what I eat. I want a donut, but I can't have a donut. I want cookies, cake, and ice cream. All of which I can't really have unless I sacrifice something else. I have to eyeball how much rice or pasta I'm eating. Is there enough protein in this meal? Am I getting the right amount of carbs? What will this food do to my blood sugar? Can I eat this piece of fruit or will I pay for it later? There are days where all I want is a Dr. Pepper. But I can't. Is there aspertame in this? It's not about eating anymore, it's about how this food will effect my numbers. I can't drink. Alcohol, what's that? I have two weddings this year, and I'll probably only be allowed to have a sip of champagne and two bites of wedding cake. When I eat somewhere, the menu becomes more of a pain than a oh that sounds lovely. I get scared at functions when I have no clue what the menu will look like in fear that I won't be able to eat. Food and yumminess is out the door. There are days where all I want to do is eat a bear claw and sip on Dr. Pepper like I used to when I was little. To amke matters worse, Mum forgets about the diabetes and offers ice cream or pie when I'm at her house. I just look at her and say, "Diabetes." "Oh, right." She replies.


Then there's the numbers. Everything revolves around these stupid numbers. Too high, more insulin and cut back on carbs. Too low and we're looking at find Michelle the most sugary thing. I recently had a fight with Mum about letting my blood sugar go down to 55 because I didn't know what I could eat to raise it in her house. Atleast, at my place we have a stock pile of cookies, juice, and ice cream to make sure I never collapse again. When I told her I had no clue what to eat, she says, "Eat turkey!" To which I reply, "I need carbs not protein!"

It makes the disease a little harder when the people around you aren't sure what you need and at the same time you never want to put them in any sort of diabetic emergency predicament. I am a grown ass woman yet, I'll be out somewhere feel off, check my blood sugar and it's low. Then I have to tell the people I'm with I need food pronto. It's so beguiling.

Sometimes I wonder if it is better to struggle with this disease all your life, or be like me where you go a quater of a century healthy as a horse and then all of a sudden diabetes comes out of no where changing your life forever. Either way, there are days where you want it to go away. There are days where you want to be normal and not have to worry, not have to inject or prick, not have to think about food choices. Sometimes I jealous of the people around me ordering soft drinks when all I can really drink is water. And then I wonder what I did to deserve this. Everyday is frustrating as I drag my feet to measure the dose, get my meter ready, and figure out what I'm eating. Everyday is a fight and normalcy is no where in sight.

Interesting....Soda = Yeast Infection

Warning: This is a little disgusting and graphic. In fact, it's too much information but I don't care. Please read at your own risk.

Before I was diagnosed I never had a yeast infection in my 25 years of living. It's a feat I'm insanely proud of.

Then I was diagnosed.

I started to get yeast infections, chronic yeast infections. Constant sand that got everywhere, my panties, my bed. Constant itching at all hours of the day. Constant cauliflower discharge that made it impossible to have sex at times. Add overheating and breaking out in hives during the summer, I was in hell. There was no relief.

Since I've my last hospitalization, I have yet to have a yeast infection, the horrible discharge that I would take out by digging it out of my vaginal canal with my fingers (which is not fun and sucks), or uncontrollable itching. It's been amazing. And then *boom* ephinany - what has changed since being in recovery? I don't drink soda at all anymore. The soda was causing my yeast infections.

This all makes sense. Soda raises blood sugar. Blood sugar influences every single part of the body from the brain to each individual cell. Soda causes the ph balance in the vagina to get out of control allowing yeast to breed rapidly. This hostile environment causes raging yeast infections. By not drinking Dr. Pepper, Coke, 7 up, Cherry 7 up, Cream soda, or anything else considered to be soda, I've taken yeast infections out of my life.

It's absolutely amazing considering female diabetics are proned to yeast infections especially pregnant women. Who would of thought soda could be so toxic to the body? Yay for making my quality of life better!

Sick days

Everyone gets sick. It's part of life. Usually you self medicate using dayquil, muscinex, and what have you. If those OTC meds don't work, then you go to the doctor and get antibiotic.

Sick days are hard for diabetics. Why? Because if we don't take care of ourselves we can DKA. When a diabetic's body releases those illness fighting hormones, blood sugar tends to rise. Add vomiting, the inability to keep down fluids, and a fever and you're a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.

To make things worse, a lot of these OTC meds can contribute to already soaring blood sugars. Each diabetic reacts to these meds differently and most of the time we have to find meds with less sugar in them. Yes, OTC meds have sugar in them.

If we are vomitting, or have a bout of diarrhea, we are not only losing fluids to keep ourselves hydrated, but we are also losing carbs. One would think losing carbs would be a good thing and keep our numbers in check but it does the reverse. It contributes to high blood sugar. If we are unable to keep solid food down then we are forced to drink sports drinks, juice, popsicles and what have you just to keep not only carb count up but also hydrated. The last thing a diabetic needs is to be dehydrated during this time.

Then there's the finger pricking every four hours to make sure the sugars are below 240 and in some cases taking a higher dose of insulin. The biggest thing I have to remember is to take my insulin whether or not I'm eating just so my numbers stay away from the lets go to the ER numbers.

What was once viewed as a way to get out of school and stay home is now viewed as something that can be potentially fatal. To me, sickness = death.

And here I am sick, trying not to freak out. Luckily, Bryan (who is also sick) has been keeping a close eye on me making me get up and talk. I think in his head, if I whine, then I'm not dying which is a good sign. Meanwhile, I try to remind myself that all I need to do is stay hydrated, take my insulin, and rest and I'll be back to normal in no time.

The importance of sleep

I'm going to breifly take a break from the whole writing the coma dreams, because I have no clue how to explain the second one I had.

Today's topic: Sleep.

Sleep is important for numerous reasons. Cognitively, it allows the brain to destress and relax which improves brain functioning. Psychologically, it allows the mind to go through the day on it's own accord hence dreams. Dreams allow a person to deal with daily life and the stress that comes with it abstractively. Physically, it allows the body to rest. Without sleep, sleep deprivation occurs which can cause a whole onslew of problems such as hallucinations, metabolic disarray, and if extreme enough, physical and cogntive breakdown.

Sleep is a little more important to diabetics. Why? Blood sugar control. Sure you take the nighttime insulin but unless you sleep, it doesn't work like it should. The whole purpose of taking the long lasting active insulin at night is to smooth the pot holes that are blood sugar spikes that you can't control while you sleep. As the body goes through various sleep cycles, these spikes occur.

But what happens if you can't sleep? What happens you you lie there awake patiently waiting to fall asleep and it eludes you What if when you finally do sleep, it only amounts to about 4 hours?

Well, you're screwed.

As you lay conscious, waiting for sleep, you're still active as you toss and turn desperately trying to find that perfect spot to relax. Which means you stress. Stress causes adrenaline and cortisol levels to go up meaning your blood sugar goes up. Instead of getting your morning numbers between 90 - 110, they become 150 - 500. And then you have the rest of the day trying to figure out how you can bring those numbers down to a safe level. Even worse, if those are your fasting numbers on a daily basis, then sooner or later you'll DKA.

Since February, I haven't been sleeping well. First it was the muscle spasm, then the burning feet sensation. My numbers vary. But lately, I've noticed that my biggest problem is the fan that's on while I attempt to sleep. Bryan can't sleep without the fan on, and as it turns out, I can't sleep with the fan on. So I've been going to bed before him in hopes that I'll be out cold by the time he comes to bed turning the fan on. Only problem is he wake me up everytime he comes to bed by kissing my back or moving me and the next thing I know I'm up for the next two or more hours because of that damn fan. On top of that, the fan makes me cold and Bryan tends to hog the blanket making my feet cold. If my feet are cold, the rest of me is cold. No to mention with the apartment on at 70 with a fan on high, and I'm 110 pounds with hardly any body fat, I'm more prone to be cold. When I'm cold, I can't sleep. See the chain reaction.

To make matters worse, he won't compromise. Or he will, as long as the fan is still on. My husband's killing me, he just fails to realize it. So back to an extra blanket I go, in the beginning of March where I'll probably start complaining about how hot I get underneath it. All I want to do is be able to sleep. And the sad thing is, when he gets up for the day and turns the fan off for me, 10 minutes later I'm out like a light. Sometimes, I really hate marriage.