Yay for RED!

Before I DKAed I was highly stressed out.

Bryan and I were trying to find a house, build a house, get preapproved for a house. We were tired of apartments, tiring of packing and unpacking, finding good deals on apartments and just because it's a gated apartment doesn't mean you are safe. Only problem with all of this was, my credit score. Two 90 day late payments from a student loan killed my credit score making it impossible to do anything until we got the score up. I was a long and tedious process with nothing but frustration.

On top of that, we hadn't really started trying to have a baby, but we weren't saying 'no' to the idea either. Part of me was in fear that I couldn't have children because with all the research I've done about DKA, I never found an article where the woman had children after. What if Maddie would be the only child I beared. And we all know how well that went. When your womanhood is in jeopardy, you get a little irrational. Would Bryan leave me if we couldn't have kids? It's these sort of problems that can ultimately break a marriage no matter how secure the marriage is. Sure we could always adopt, but still, everyone is naturally selfish and want thier own kids.

In September, I started us on a crazy this is how much money we are allowed to spend a pay period. Complete with a financial spreadsheet and dinners planned weekly. Sometimes at work I would obsess over these numbers trying to figure out how much we could generate and what we could cut out of our lives.

And then I DKAed.

After, everything went out of the window. I don't care if we get a house this year or next year. I don't care if I can have kids or not. Eveything I stressed and obessed over didn't matter, it was all trivial. I nearly died again. All that mattered now was being healthy and recovering and getting stronger and putting this whole horrid ordeal of the past wo years behind me. It's amazing how much your thought process changes when you realize how truely mortal you are. I always knew I was going to die one day, but to escape death twice in a one year eight month span is insane. Obviously I have more work down here on earth.

I had even manage to convince myself that not having kids wouldn't be a bad thing. we had no idea what my body was capable of, or the amount of damage it went through this time around. If we got pregnant, in my head, it would be an absolute miracle. Hell, I didn't even expect a period until April. I figured that would be how long it would take for my reproductive system to heal.

Obviously I was wrong. Turns out it jump started somehow. I woke up yesterday thinking, 'Wow, I've only been out of the hospital for a month to the day', went to the bathroom and there it was. RED! I guess I can have children after all. Not now, but one day. Besides, Bryan and I aren't in a rush anymore. More importantly, I'm not in a rush anymore. I don't feel like I need to accomplish or prove myself anymore. I don't have a schedule of when I want to achieve my goals. If it happens, it happens. There are no more five year or ten year plans. Because honestly, in the end, does any of it really matter?

I guess you can say that I'm finally stopping and smelling the roses. The scent is so sweet, so divine, that it makes me woner why I didn't do it sooner.